strong and healthy.” Or, “You have to put away your toys so
we’ll know where to find them next time you want to play.”
OFFER LOTS OF PRAISE
“Whether it’s making the bed, helping set the table, or letting his sister play with his blocks, make
sure you reinforce rule-following by celebrating your child’s suc-cesses,” says Larry J. Koenig, Ph.D., author of Smart Discipline.
When a child acts
out, encourage
her to reflect on
her behavior.
“From the time my kids
were toddlers, I told
them if they wanted me
to buy them something
they saw in a store,
we had a family rule:
They had to put it on
their ‘wish list.’ It didn’t
take long for the nagging
to stop. Now they just
say, ‘Mommy, I’m putting
this toy on my wish list.’”
Emily Greer; Dayton, Ohio
Say, “It’s great that you remembered the rule to make
your bed. I’m so proud when
you behave like a big boy!”
Or, “You were so polite to
say ‘please’ when you asked me for that crayon. Good job!”
FOLLO W RULES YOURSELF
“Hanging your coat in the closet
when you get home, putting your dirty dishes in the sink, not
screaming when you’re frustrated ... doing these things will
show children that just as they have rules to follow, so do you,”
says Judy Arnall, author of Discipline Without Distress. “When
kids see you behaving well, they’ll want to do the same.”
CULTIVATE A CONSCIENCE
If a young child feels bad when
he hasn’t followed your rule, don’t immediately try to minimize
his discomfort. Feeling a bit of guilt is an essential part of learning to determine right from wrong. “Use it as a teaching opportunity,” suggests Dr. Hall. “Say, ‘I know you’re feeling bad. We
all make mistakes, but we try to learn how to act next time.’”
Build Problem-Solving Skills.
One of the major reasons children behave badly is because
they feel frustrated and powerless. “When you give children
the tools they need to figure things out on their own, they will
behave better because they’ll be better equipped to take care
of themselves and won’t come screaming to you or act out
every time they encounter a challenge,” says Dr. Brooks.
LET KIDS MAKE DECISIONS
Give children the opportunity
to make choices as soon as
they’re old enough to understand: Ask, “Do you want to
wear your Elmo pajamas or
your nightgown?” “Which
snack do you want to take to
school, an apple or a cheese
stick?” Once kids can manage these small decisions,
take it up a notch: If your
child is fighting with her
sister, for example, instead
of yelling “Don’t do that!”
or giving her a time-out,
Dr. Brooks suggests asking:
“How can you handle this
differently?” You may be
surprised at the way she will
come up with solutions.
“I’ve always encouraged
my kids to work things
out between themselves.
And that lesson has sunk
in. Recently, a waiter at a
family restaurant offered
them the choice of either
a toy or ice cream as a
special treat, Alex, my
3-year-old, and Eliza,
who’s 5, agreed that one
would ask for the toy, the
other the dessert—that
way they’d have both.”
Alison Risso
Silver Spring, Maryland
